2020 has been a quite a year, huh? Some days I have a lot of thoughts about it and some days I feel completely emptied and drained of all thoughts and feelings. Thinking back to March 13th and who I was and the plans I had on that day…well, it’s breathtaking to try to wrap my mind around how dramatically different things have turned out.
My last race was the 305 Half Marathon on March 1st. I don’t even remember the race. I never got around to writing my experience about the race and now, after months of no races and not knowing when my next in-person race will be, I wish I had paid more attention. I wish I was more present. If I would have known what laid ahead as COVID settled in, I would have savored every single joyful, painful, physically exhausting moment of that race. Sometimes, I wish I could tap into that race experience today to nourish the daily grind of my runs over the past few months. However, wishing won’t get me anywhere. The race happened. I had whatever experience I had and, in the tumult of the past few months, those feelings have been packed away to make room for surviving all the changes that were brought on by children at home, working from home, and a stop to the routines of my daily life. Don’t worry though, this post isn’t about all that was lost. It’s what, when I sift through the rubble of old-life-turning-into-new-life, I have gained. The biggest revelation is this:
Running is life.
I always considered myself someone who ran because she loved racing. I started running with a couch-to-5K program so I could participate in a local 5K. I joined a running group so I could train for a half marathon. I signed up for more races because I liked training with a group and because peer pressure was a strong force for good. I placed my luck in a lottery’s hands when I trained for and ran my first marathon. Running had been a way to get to a finish line with a nice medal. I never understood how a person could be committed and dedicated to running, but never (or rarely) race. I couldn’t understand the point of running without a training cycle, a race as motivation for working hard, or as a way to chase a time goal.
I just didn’t get running for the sake of running.
Then, 2020. Races canceled. Some of the races I had planned for 2021 have also been canceled or have switched to a virtual format. There were a few moments, at the beginning of the pandemic, where the motivation and desire to run was low because, for the first time in my running life, I didn’t have a race to train for or a dreamed-of finish line to cross. It was hard. There were moments of loss and feelings of grief. It almost feels silly to say that I mourned the loss of running as I knew it when the world was changing and lives were being lost, but it was those feelings that helped propel me to stay consistent with running. I had a choice to make:
I could either spend my time mourning or I could use the time I did have to run in a way that reminded me of how fortunate and privileged I was to be alive.
And so, running became a savior for me. It was something I held close to my heart and did, even when my heart felt heavy. Running became my sanity; it was something I did when I needed a break from the endless thoughts and worries. Running tethered me to the moment; it is what I did when I needed to feel my heart beating in my chest, breath filling my lungs, and my feet pressing me forward. It became easy for me to stay dedicated and committed to running because I knew who I was when I was running, which was a woman who wanted to feel strong and at home in her body and in her experience.
The world may be upside down, but running brings me back to myself and reminds me that, even if I can’t control what’s happening in the world, I can control the little things that matter during a run, like my outfit, attitude (debatable), running route, pace, and distance. Don’t get me wrong, there have been days when running has beaten me down, made me cry, made me question why I run, but even those moments have felt like a slice of normalcy; there’s something oddly comforting about running still feeling hard and sucking when everything is so different.
Running has saved me from the deepest and darkest thoughts over the past few months. Running is my reminder that I am here, that I matter, and that I take up space. Running will continue to have its challenges and again, for the first time in my running life, I am grateful for the constancy and normalcy of running’s ups and downs.
2020 may have thrown my plans off course, but it has also invited me to look a little closer at what really matters in my life and in the person I aspire to become. Now, it’s clearer than ever that I am a runner and I don’t need the finish lines, medals, or times to make me feel like one.
A few things that have helped me with running over the past few months are:
Check-in calls with my running coach.
Virtual relay races.
Supporting the races I was planning on running by doing them virtually.
Talking to other runners (I’m still running solo, but the benefits of running with a group are immense, if you feel safe doing so).
Giving myself permission to take days off when I’m emotionally drained or feeling low.
Not feeling guilty about skipping running to do other workouts that support my running.
What’s helped you stay committed to running or begin your running journey during the past few months?
Remember: One breath at a time. One step at a time. I’ve got this. You’ve got this. Together, we got this.
