Last week I had a breaking point in my running: I ran 4 miles and spent the whole time thinking about how tired I was, how much I wanted to cry because I was so tired, and how quickly I could get through everything in my day so that I could go back to bed. I’ve been having these feelings for a while now, but this run felt like a shift. I was tired of being tired. I was tired of accepting my exhaustion as “normal.” I shared these feelings on a post on Instagram and the response was so incredible and supportive. By the time I had posted, I had already been to my doctor and gotten bloodwork done. The shared experiences and advice given helped me feel like I was on the right track to figuring out why I was so tired all the time. More importantly though, sharing my experience helped me feel less alone. I sometimes get so caught up in my narrative that I forget we all have something to learn from one another.
What I know right now is that I have been feeling this level of exhaustion since about October of 2019 or so. I justified it as exhaustion related to having two kids, managing a household, working, and a general I-have-to-do-it-all mentality. I mean, part of being productive means being tired, right? Except it shouldn’t have to mean that and it doesn’t have to be that. I’m reading this book called “Essentialism” by Greg McKeown and it’s all about shifting from “the trivial many to the vital few.” It’s reminding me that a lot of the things I thought I had to do are actually things I’m choosing to do; there is no need to do them.
How does this apply to running? Well, right now it’s connecting me to my experience running the Miami Half Marathon on February 9, 2020. I haven’t shared much about this race because I honestly don’t know how I feel about it. I went into the race with a certain level of fitness that would have put me at the 1:50-1:55 range. I knew within the first mile that I wasn’t going to fall into that range because things just felt off. I stopped at mile 1 to use the bathroom, felt the effort of each step, stopped to walk at mile 8 because of a side stitch, and kept up a run-walk-run for the final 5 miles of the race. Those 5 miles were a mixture of frustration, annoyance, and disappointment because here was another race with a crippling side stitch. However, I was also joyful because I got to fully take in the race and think about why I keep coming back to running when my racing experiences have been a struggle. If there was ever a race to walk in, this is it: nothing quite compares to water views and an ocean breeze. I finished this race with a smile and a huge sense of accomplishment.
A PR (personal record) is a want, not a need. The two things I need to do are trust in my training to physically cover the miles and trust in myself to know I have the mental skills necessary to cross another 13.1 finish line.
Running isn’t easy and it’s not meant to be easy. Running isn’t anything I have to do, it’s something I get to choose to do. While I feel I need running for mental clarity and sanity, I am choosing to challenge my mind when I go out in search of the edges of my comfort zone. My recent racing experiences haven’t been what I know I’m capable of, but each day brings me closer to figuring out what is essential to my running, the runner I am today, and the runner I want to become in the future.
If you’ve had any struggles with running, I’d love to hear about them. Tell me how you approached the struggle, what you learned about yourself, and where you are right now with running.