Week 13 – Marathon Musings: The Hardest Comparison
Still running :) Photo from 2024’s Vacation Races Great Smoky Mountains 5K.
The beauty of being in a running relationship that spans more than a decade is that I have a lot of experience under my running belt. I’ve learned a lot about myself as a runner and I have a vivid collection of running memories. I’ve had great races, so-so races, and crappy races. Similarly, I’ve had great runs, so-so runs, and crappy runs. Some I remember because of how deeply they have changed how I see myself as a runner and how I want to engage with the sport, but there are even more that I don’t remember. I’ve been running long enough to know that there are no guarantees in running and that racing owes me nothing, even if I’ve poured my heart into training. Running is running and it’s me who has changed since this love affair began back in august of 2012.
The thorny side to all these years of running is that I have a healthy dose of “befores” that I can compare myself to:
Baby Runner Steph
Couch-To-5K Steph
First-Time Half Marathoner Steph
First-Time Marathoner Steph
First-Time Ultramarathoner Steph
Chicago Runner Steph
Miami Runner Steph
High Mileage Steph
Roll Out of Bed and Run Steph
Multiple Marathons a Year Steph
Run The Year Steph
Run for PRs Steph
PR Steph
Burnt-Out Steph
Fall Back in Love with Running Steph
Run for Joy Steph
I look back at all these befores and miss those versions of me, especially when I think about the version of me that’s currently existing: Trying to Survive, Do My Best, and Give Myself Grace Steph. A mouthful of a name because it’s been a handful of an experience.
Between an immune system that can’t keep up and iron levels that won’t go up, this has been one of the most challenging training cycles of my life. I used to be someone who never got sick and, at this point, I’ve probably gotten sick once a month over the past 6 months. The worst part about this is that each time I get sick, my lungs take the brunt of the sickness. This has led to more missed runs than I can ever remember taking in one training cycle. Recovering from the bouts of sickness has been a mental challenge because I can feel the loss of fitness increase each time I get sick. Having to restart over and over again with the hope that the most recent sickness is the last time I’ll get sick has led me to confront disappointment and frustration more times than I can count. The low iron levels are an unknown factor here (having my doctor dismiss me was a new low), but I don’t doubt they are connected to how often I get sick (often the week of my period), how hard running has felt (iron transports oxygen to the muscles), and how deep the exhaustion hits when it does (like that one time a 3-mile run left me so depleted I napped for 2 hours).
I’ve been angry at this current version of myself and angry at my body for “failing” me. It’s so unfair of me to be angry considering what I have been able to do over the past few months:
I am still training for a marathon, even with the possibility to I might not actually race a marathon
I have been flexible with how I train (run/walk) to add in more recovery time and help training feel manageable
I am able to get most of my runs in
I am still consistent
I am still strength training with the goal of lifting as heavy as possible
It’s become mentally easier for my to skip workouts when I’m sick
I am still showing up, even if I feel like I am constantly trying to make a comeback
Through it all, I am still growing and trying to be the best runner I can be right now. I am trying to stay present for this current version, even if sometimes the ghosts of past versions creep up and make it hard for me to keep my gaze forward. Those past versions brought me to who I am today and, in many ways, prepared me to handle this season of hard. If only comparisons to past selves – the hardest comparison – didn’t hurt the ego or hit the heart as hard. My hope is that there is a future version of me that will look back to this time and find a similar fondness as I do now to the different versions that have colored the past decade of my running life.
Marathon History:
2014 Chicago Marathon
2015 Miami Marathon
2015 Berlin Marathon
2015 Chicago Marathon
2016 Chicago Marathon
2016 NYC Marathon
2017 Chicago Marathon
2018 Chicago Marathon
2021 Chicago Marathon
2023 London Marathon
2023 Marine Corps Marathon
Marathon Musings series:
4 weeks until Chicago and 13 weeks of musings written. Here’s to accepting today’s reality and celebrating that reality even when it feels like it’s falling short of expectation,
If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing. <3
